Sigh. Office parties aren’t at all what I expected. At least in my experience. It’s you and your co-workers sitting around joking, laughing, talking about work, talking about sports, talking about movies, talking to your boss pretending you like him…Its the same s*** you do at work, only your wife is there with you drinking a rum and coke she paid for with a paper coupon. Really? You wanna talk about work at the Christmas party? Can we at least acknowledge the topic of the Victoria’s Secret fashion show or how the boss’s wife has an annoying laugh? I don’t know. Unless you work for like Google, Pixar, Citibank, or for the people who invented Doritos, your office Christmas party is probably gonna be disappointing and a waste of a new cardigan. Most of these parties involve some sort of gift swap. It can either be a serious and thoughtful gift or it can be a lazy white elephant gift. Regardless you’re either spending time and money on thoughtful gift for somebody you don’t know well enough to know they don’t like romantic comedy DVD’s or you can feel guilty about your silly white elephant gift when someone, inevitably, brings something nice and expensive to the gag gift swap. All of a sudden your gift wrapped wrapping paper joke goes unnoticed or silently criticized because Chad and his wife brought an iPhone alarm clock radio. Thanks alot, you considerate gift giving jerk!
2. Awful Christmas movies
We can all agree that there are some super awesome Christmas movies out there. The Christmas Story. Classic. Christmas Vacation. Hilarious. Home Alone. Loved it. Die Hard. GREATEST CHRISTMAS MOVIE OF ALL TIME! But, we don’t always get a chance to see those. And I don’t care what anybody says. Miracle on 34th Street, the original or the remake, is NOT good enough to warrant a yearly position on the Christmas season TV schedule. Get outa here! Aside from The Christmas Story, we usually have to endure some of the most boring and blah Christmas films that make you wish you grew up Buddhist or never knew about Christmas in the first place. Do you realize there have been 2 sequels to The Santa Clause starring Tim Allen? And these didn’t go straight to awful Christmas movie headquarters, Fox Family Channel. No, these went to the big screen. Along with, Christmas With the Kranks (also with Tim Allen), Fred Claus, Jack Frost, Ernest Saves Christmas, Surviving Christmas starring Ben Affleck, and Reindeer Games also with Ben Affleck. I could go on. I’m sure we’ll the Rock or Jack Black have an awful Christmas movie in there somewhere.
1. People that say “See ya next year” right before New Years.
I’m not gonna get long winded about this one. Even though, I hate this the most. Ever since the dawn of man, there has been someone guilty of this every year since. I think I was in 2nd grade the first time I heard somebody say it. One of my annoying classmates had stumled upon, what they thought was a discovery that rivaled the theory of relativity, by realizing that when we all come back to school from Christmas break, it’ll be a brand new year. And so his brain is processing this information and his brain tells encourages him to go around telling people “See ya next year”, hoping..welcoming others to look at him like he’s stupid..all for the satisfaction of correcting them or getting a “Oh now I get it” laugh. And when you’re in elementary school, you’re aware of the year’s upcoming change. You don’t NOT know this. It isn’t calendar wizardry. It’s just not something you’re thinking about at the time, so that “joke” usually works at that age. But, as the calendar years change and we get older, some of those same people who were pulling that bit back then are still using it. In middle school. High School. College. Even in the professional workplace. And it’s not OK. It’s wrong. And annoying as f***. And, the only thing worse than trying to use this joke, is humoring somebody who uses it on you. Don’t laugh or say “Oh, you’re right”. Just walk away. And if you’re job is lenient enough, reply back with an unsuspecting punch to the throat. If you target the right vein, he or she will pass out and wake up having no memory of it by the time you come back to work.
Happy Holidays Everybody!
About J. Pines
Jeff Pines is a music producer and co-owner of the BNC. Also, he's tall.