I got out of the New Cool New Rule bizz for a little while. We had a very good run. Pointing out the ridiculous and making you a cooler person for it has been so much fun. But, I think it’s time I jumped back in the driving scene and take you on a tour of the Uncool and show you how you can make less mistakes in the future and ultimately, be cool.
5. “On deck” – Confused? Let me explain. It has been considered cool and trendy to use the expression “On deck” by many members of the urban youth. A popular Facebook example of the expression could be something like ,”Olive Garden on deck”, which just means that this individual is about to or planning to eat Olive Garden. I’m not saying that’s a stupid way to use that expression, but I am saying that it is..yeah it’s stupid. You already may be familiar with my disdane for telling the world where you’re about to eat via Facebook. And adding this expression to the mix doesn’t help. Two negatives don’t make a positive. Except in math. And threesomes. Like if you had a not so attractive chick who wanted to sleep with you, you probably wouldn’t do it. But if she had like a just as unattractive friend who wanted to sleep with you, too, you’d probably do it, because hey, at least it’s a threesome right?
But getting back to the original topic. My main problem with this expression is not so much that it gets used for “hipping up” normal activities (Car wash on deck), but that me and my BNC family were using this expression in 2004. You could argue that many hip hop artists have recently incorporated the expression in their music. Yeah, well none of the important, cool ones have ok? Just because Soulja Boy was 4 years too late with making a song about “Swag” doesn’t mean it’s ok to still be using that word. T.I. says “Stacks on deck” in his song, “Whatever You Like”, but he was in jail. He didn’t know what was going on and plus that song came out in 2009. It’s 2010, everybody! 2011 is on deck.
4. Bubble vests haven’t made a 3rd comeback yet- Bubble vests were super active in urban fashion in the early 2000s. It was a hot look that allowed people to look fly and stay warm without having to go “full peacoat”. It was also a way of southerners to pretend like they were from the East Coast. And it was also a way for people who were born on the East Coast, but who’ve been living in Texas for 12 years “show off” that they are from New York even though they haven’t lived there since Pat Riley coached the Knicks. The fad eventually passed and made a reappearance a few years back around ’08.
If you're gonna get the vest that big, just get a damn jacket
Everybody was rockin em. Diddy, Fabolous, LL Cool J, Puertoricans. It was back in style. But it eventually got to a point where you had better grown some sleeves on that thing, if you were gonna wear it out. Seeing somebody wear one in October of 2010 is a little disappointing.The bubble vest trend hasn’t had enough down time and it’s way too early for a comeback. If you’re a DJ, you can’t “take it back” with Rick Ross “Hustlin”. That shit JUST came out a few years ago. Let people forget about it first. And not only did this guy probably have this old vest since it’s last resurgence, but it was also a fair and very comfortable 85 degree night. A swimsuit woulda been more appropriate than a bubble vest that night.
3. Ladies wearing Jordans to the club - Let me start by saying, I love a chick in a pair of J’s. I prefer that she not call them “J’s” but I don’t wanna be too picky. I’m a firm believer in the creed that I made up myself, “High heels and Jordans can coexist”. I dig a chick who can look and feel sexy in pumps or high tops. That said, I don’t really care to see em on a female at the club. I get it. It’s a cute and sexy sporty thing. Lotsa guys find that really appealing. But most likely those guys are wearing Bathing Ape jeans and a 3x tee.
I’m not saying ladies can’t rock em and style em up for chic events. But come on! You are a lady. It’s Friday night. We at the club. Not a Kappa Party.
If yall are gonna expect us as men, to get right for you, you gotta do the same for us. And even though I don’t condone wearing sneakers and a white tee to the club, if you turn away a guy dressed like that, and you got on Jordans yourself, you D.A.W. (Dead ass wrong). If you had put on the Dior heels, you might have attracted the tall guy wearing the shades and zip up who was too cool to dress up for Halloween. Don’t get me wrong. I’ll still take a girl home if she’s wearing Jordans. But I’ll be less likely to ask her to leave em on if it goes down.
2. Don’t holla at a girl while you’re driving – Who does this? Why do you do this? Well before you answer those questions, answer the following? Are you driving a vehicle with suicide doors? Are you driving a coupe with curtains in the back windows? Do you have any reason to believe that Rick Ross would make a song about the particular car you drive? Does your car cost more than what it would cost to buy 2 middle class homes with stainless steel kitchen appliances and a baby panda in each backyard? Ok, “no” to all of those right? That’s what I thought. Why do you do this? Not only do you have to yell at the poor woman in order for her to hear you over traffic and everyday “Earth” sounds, but you’re putting her and yourself in danger by taking her attention off the road she’s driving on. Texting and driving was just made illegal in Texas. The only reason they don’t make flirting and driving illegal is because there shouldn’t be a reason to do those things simultaneously in the first place. I’m sure the only time this has ever worked is when Clark Griswold pulled a supermodel while he was pushing a station wagon. AND his wife and kids were in the car. AND the supermodel was in a superhot convertible.
These things don’t just happen everyday. You have to give ol Clark some credit, because he wasn’t even saying anything and she still got naked in the pool with him after that. The point is, it’s rare for something like this to work. Most of the time, the girl ain’t tryin to hear it because she’s too busy driving to a place where you’re not. I would reccomend maybe stopping her from getting on the road before you start flirting with her. Like this guy,
But, it could lead to a shootout where you run funny, get shot up and die while the guy standing up in plain shooting view for 30 seconds goes unharmed and survives. Don’t risk it.
1. “You fancy huh?” - I’m just gonna say it. I love yall, but we gotta stop saying this already. I’m sorry. I realize Drake’s album is still pretty new and there isn’t even a video for this song yet. But every now and then a song will catch on so fast and gets such good positive feedback, that they throw extra promotional muscle behind it, saturate the key demo playlist and it tops out. In other words, it gets annoying as shit. “You fancy, huh?” has become a part of pop culture faster than it takes Drake’s facial hair to grow back.
3 o'clock shadow doesn't go away
I know it’s still the jam, especially the end of the song. But it’s just gotten outa hand. I bet it’s the most repeated Facebook update of the last 2 months. Girls post it, men post it, kids post it, girls are saying it to men at the clubs and men are saying it to women at the clubs. And this happens before the song is even played. People are just saying it for no reason, because it’s supposed to get some sort of positive reaction like, “Oh yeah, like the song right? Awesome. And I AM fancy!” Or something like that, I don’t know. I really can’t imagine what kind of reaction you can give unless you haven’t already heard it a million times already or said it yourself. I applaud the first person to use this line in a social situation. Because that guy or girl got a phone number or maybe even some oral.
Again, I know I may be being a little harsh because it’s still so widely used. But what the hell, if I don’t let you know, who will? I know I’m not alone on this one. I’m just gonna make sure I’m the first to bring it up. So we should go ahead and retire this and put it in the vault of all the other shit that got old too fast. I think there’s some space next to the Kanye “one of the best of all time” joke.
Ahhh! That was fun. Like I never left. See yall next time!
About J. Pines
Jeff Pines is a music producer and co-owner of the BNC. Also, he's tall.